Comments for The New Thirteen http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com I'm just trying not to feel claustrophobic inside myself. Sat, 15 Aug 2009 22:07:07 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 Comment on Dating the Other by nycivan http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/dating-the-other/#comment-63 nycivan Sat, 15 Aug 2009 22:07:07 +0000 http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/?p=45#comment-63 It goes both ways ladies. I do, however, have to concede that most fat guys that are not at the largest end of the spectrum like I am have it a lot easier dating than a women who is, say only 10 or 15 pounds over the norm. I am 380 and 5'8. But that is not all that I am. I have a lot going for me and I am discovering more and more each day. I do realize that in most dating/flirting situations, it is me and not my appearance (although i'll bathe, shave and wear a clean shirt) that a women is going to be attracted to. I do think from the neck up I am passable. I also have to accept the reality that the cultural hatred and fear of fat will eliminate a lot of opportunities I would otherwise have to show a gal how great I am because I am eliminated from her dating pool before I get a chance to say a single word to her. This reminds me of family gatherings before my brother found his amazing wife when my other siblings would talk about which of their friends they were going to set him up with while ignoring the fact that I was sitting at the same table and was equally single. The implication being that I was not worthy of a set up with their friends. (wow that was painful to remember) Anyway, today is not about pain. Today, with the help of the FA community is about hope. Cheers to All, Ivan It goes both ways ladies. I do, however, have to concede that most fat guys that are not at the largest end of the spectrum like I am have it a lot easier dating than a women who is, say only 10 or 15 pounds over the norm.

I am 380 and 5′8. But that is not all that I am. I have a lot going for me and I am discovering more and more each day. I do realize that in most dating/flirting situations, it is me and not my appearance (although i’ll bathe, shave and wear a clean shirt) that a women is going to be attracted to. I do think from the neck up I am passable.

I also have to accept the reality that the cultural hatred and fear of fat will eliminate a lot of opportunities I would otherwise have to show a gal how great I am because I am eliminated from her dating pool before I get a chance to say a single word to her. This reminds me of family gatherings before my brother found his amazing wife when my other siblings would talk about which of their friends they were going to set him up with while ignoring the fact that I was sitting at the same table and was equally single. The implication being that I was not worthy of a set up with their friends. (wow that was painful to remember)

Anyway, today is not about pain. Today, with the help of the FA community is about hope.

Cheers to All,

Ivan

]]> Comment on Dating the Other by Jae http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/dating-the-other/#comment-62 Jae Sat, 15 Aug 2009 14:43:20 +0000 http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/?p=45#comment-62 Thank you for sharing your story. I am disgusted to see how widespread this phenomenon is. I don't know how these guys write you without even the slightest bit of shame...but I guess they are so blind to their privilege that they never even considered how it could be insulting. Thank you for sharing your story. I am disgusted to see how widespread this phenomenon is. I don’t know how these guys write you without even the slightest bit of shame…but I guess they are so blind to their privilege that they never even considered how it could be insulting.

]]> Comment on Dating the Other by arynda http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/dating-the-other/#comment-60 arynda Sat, 15 Aug 2009 07:02:55 +0000 http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/?p=45#comment-60 This is precisely the reason I loathe dating sites. I am black and I think men click on my picture these days because I am the exception rather than the rule. These are the very same men who have checked every box except black. I am a gorgeous woman and my lack of thinness does not mitigate that in any way. They open my profile and send me messages just like anyone else because I am pretty enough for them to step outside the little box they've created for themselves. I am in no way honored by this and I tell them so. This is precisely the reason I loathe dating sites. I am black and I think men click on my picture these days because I am the exception rather than the rule. These are the very same men who have checked every box except black. I am a gorgeous woman and my lack of thinness does not mitigate that in any way. They open my profile and send me messages just like anyone else because I am pretty enough for them to step outside the little box they’ve created for themselves. I am in no way honored by this and I tell them so.

]]> Comment on Dating the Other by Jae http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/dating-the-other/#comment-56 Jae Sat, 15 Aug 2009 02:29:53 +0000 http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/?p=45#comment-56 I felt the same way! In the first place, I have friends of all backgrounds and races so I feel like anyone who thought to exclude a particular group from people they would date is going to have some problems with someone down the road, even if it is just garden variety ignorance. My best friend and her boyfriend are in an interracial relationship right now, so I have heard enough fool comments from other friends to have a pretty low tolerance at this point. <i>Attraction is subjective, and you like who you like, but attraction is also fluid, and by limiting yourself to one or two physical types, you’re underestimating everyone else who could be a good match for you, and yourself, by not letting yourself be open-minded.</i> And that was everything I wanted to say in my post, only in a lot less words! I felt the same way! In the first place, I have friends of all backgrounds and races so I feel like anyone who thought to exclude a particular group from people they would date is going to have some problems with someone down the road, even if it is just garden variety ignorance. My best friend and her boyfriend are in an interracial relationship right now, so I have heard enough fool comments from other friends to have a pretty low tolerance at this point.

Attraction is subjective, and you like who you like, but attraction is also fluid, and by limiting yourself to one or two physical types, you’re underestimating everyone else who could be a good match for you, and yourself, by not letting yourself be open-minded.

And that was everything I wanted to say in my post, only in a lot less words!

]]> Comment on Dating the Other by lucywatchthesky http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/dating-the-other/#comment-55 lucywatchthesky Fri, 14 Aug 2009 23:49:07 +0000 http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/?p=45#comment-55 I noticed that on Match.com too, about a lot of men saying they would only date white or Asian women, or every race except African-American women. And even though I'm white, cisgendered, overweight-but-not-immediately-noticeably-so, that just boiled my blood and immediately disqualified those guys for me, even if everything else about them suggested we'd get along beautifully. I just feel that it suggests further levels of intolerance- even if I fit some version of what they physically wanted to date, inevitably they would probably find serious fault with something else that makes me essentially me, like having strong opinions, or certain spiritual beliefs. Attraction is subjective, and you like who you like, but attraction is also fluid, and by limiting yourself to one or two physical types, you're underestimating everyone else who could be a good match for you, and yourself, by not letting yourself be open-minded. I noticed that on Match.com too, about a lot of men saying they would only date white or Asian women, or every race except African-American women. And even though I’m white, cisgendered, overweight-but-not-immediately-noticeably-so, that just boiled my blood and immediately disqualified those guys for me, even if everything else about them suggested we’d get along beautifully. I just feel that it suggests further levels of intolerance- even if I fit some version of what they physically wanted to date, inevitably they would probably find serious fault with something else that makes me essentially me, like having strong opinions, or certain spiritual beliefs. Attraction is subjective, and you like who you like, but attraction is also fluid, and by limiting yourself to one or two physical types, you’re underestimating everyone else who could be a good match for you, and yourself, by not letting yourself be open-minded.

]]> Comment on Overheard in New York by The Tyranny of the Gym « The New Thirteen http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/2007/10/18/overheard-in-new-york/#comment-49 The Tyranny of the Gym « The New Thirteen Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:42:48 +0000 http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/2007/10/18/overheard-in-new-york/#comment-49 [...] may chuckle about it now, but at the time, I was dead serious.  The one time I did try to use a gym, I was called out for being fat, so it stood to reason that the only way to avoid the shame I felt then was to avoid letting anyone [...] [...] may chuckle about it now, but at the time, I was dead serious.  The one time I did try to use a gym, I was called out for being fat, so it stood to reason that the only way to avoid the shame I felt then was to avoid letting anyone [...]

]]> Comment on Today’s Special: Virtue with a Heaping Spoonful of Self-loathing by Ruth http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/2008/03/29/todays-special-virtue-with-a-heaping-spoonful-of-self-loathing/#comment-48 Ruth Wed, 30 Jul 2008 02:27:46 +0000 http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/?p=28#comment-48 Self acceptance seems to be such a hard thing for everyone, no matter what their size. And you're right, your co-worker probably wouldn't believe you, because she has to be able to see it for herself before she'll ever believe it from anyone else. I used to be like that, and still to this day hate eating in public. I'll take my food to go any day before I'll actually sit in a restaurant and let people see what's on my plate. At least the take out container keeps 'em guessing. :) I'm getting better though, in large part because of this seriously cool book I read, <a href="http://www.embracingyourbigfatass.com" rel="nofollow">Embracing Your Big Fat Ass</a>. On the surface it's about embracing your size and learning to live with it, but on a much deeper level, it's all about self-acceptance and self esteem, and I've learned so much about how to deal with my size issues that it's actually helped me to start living again. For now, though, I'll still take lunch to go. :) Self acceptance seems to be such a hard thing for everyone, no matter what their size. And you’re right, your co-worker probably wouldn’t believe you, because she has to be able to see it for herself before she’ll ever believe it from anyone else. I used to be like that, and still to this day hate eating in public. I’ll take my food to go any day before I’ll actually sit in a restaurant and let people see what’s on my plate. At least the take out container keeps ‘em guessing. :) I’m getting better though, in large part because of this seriously cool book I read, Embracing Your Big Fat Ass. On the surface it’s about embracing your size and learning to live with it, but on a much deeper level, it’s all about self-acceptance and self esteem, and I’ve learned so much about how to deal with my size issues that it’s actually helped me to start living again. For now, though, I’ll still take lunch to go. :)

]]> Comment on Confession Time by Author http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/2008/03/24/confession-time/#comment-47 Author Thu, 01 May 2008 21:18:09 +0000 http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/?p=30#comment-47 I just found your blog and, although I am 2 months late, I wanted to comment. I am so sorry that your friends reacted that way to your confession. It makes me so sad that anyone would have the courage tell someone something so personal and receive no comfort or support. I have only recently admitted to my own ED-NOS and only to my therapist. Only my 3 siblings and husband know I am in therapy and on medication for anxiety and depression. A large part of the reason is because I do not have the courage to tell anyone else (parents or friends) and the other part is fear of rejection. I hope that you have other people in your life that give you the suppport and love that you need and deserve. All the best ~ M I just found your blog and, although I am 2 months late, I wanted to comment. I am so sorry that your friends reacted that way to your confession. It makes me so sad that anyone would have the courage tell someone something so personal and receive no comfort or support.

I have only recently admitted to my own ED-NOS and only to my therapist. Only my 3 siblings and husband know I am in therapy and on medication for anxiety and depression. A large part of the reason is because I do not have the courage to tell anyone else (parents or friends) and the other part is fear of rejection.

I hope that you have other people in your life that give you the suppport and love that you need and deserve. All the best ~ M

]]> Comment on My Life: A Short Post. by sparklepants http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/my-life-a-short-post/#comment-46 sparklepants Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:38:19 +0000 http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/?p=31#comment-46 Ack! I'm so sorry hon. I hope your dad is okay *hugs* And I'm sorry to hear about all the work-related stress. :( Ack! I’m so sorry hon. I hope your dad is okay *hugs* And I’m sorry to hear about all the work-related stress. :(

]]> Comment on My Life: A Short Post. by hotsauce http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/my-life-a-short-post/#comment-45 hotsauce Thu, 17 Apr 2008 07:40:29 +0000 http://thenewthirteen.wordpress.com/?p=31#comment-45 i'm so, so sorry. my dad has had heart problems my entire life, including a heart attack when i was a kid and bypass a few years ago. i understand how you feel. my thoughts are with you. i’m so, so sorry. my dad has had heart problems my entire life, including a heart attack when i was a kid and bypass a few years ago. i understand how you feel. my thoughts are with you.

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