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Loserish. February 4, 2008

Posted by Jae in Aimless Conversation.
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So if you’re reading this blog, you can see I’ve been gone for awhile. Where did I go? Nowhere really, just away from blogging. The real reason is probably that I feel like I’ve got nothing interesting to say. I read so many wonderful blogs that make me put on my thinking cap, shed tears of joy, anger, and frustration, and make me laugh ‘til I cry, that I wonder why the blogosphere needs one more voice…especially if that voice isn’t anything special.

Because in spite of being a part of a generation that is frequently painted as a very self-important bunch, I’ve never felt that way. I’m really no different and no better than most people. I’m not the smartest or the most talented. I’m not the prettiest or the friendliest. I’m not the most hard-working or ambitious. I’m just little ol’ go-about-your-business-there’s-nothing-to-see-here me. And while I suppose this makes me down-to-earth, sometimes I wonder if it also isn’t biting me in the ass.

If you don’t see yourself as anything special, you can convince yourself there isn’t much point in anything. If I’m not the most cutting-edge, the most thought-provoking, why bother to blog? If I’m not the smartest or the most ambitious, why try out for that promotion? If I’m not the prettiest or the most socially adept, why bother to smile at the cute guy who works next door? It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Once you’ve convinced yourself that you’re a nondescript human being, that’s exactly what you become; it becomes meaningless to do anything above surviving.

And that was me for a long time. Hell, if I’m being honest, it’s me right now if I don’t fight those urges. Once I decided to stop dieting and started trying to accept my body I felt like part of me came alive. For the first time I considered myself to be worthwhile just the way I was. I didn’t need to be the best anything; I was good enough simply the way I was. And I was floating on fucking air; every step was a joy. My mistake was expecting that effortless sense of well-being to last without any coaching from me.

These past few months I’ve done a lot of fighting, with myself and with others, to figure out what I was worth. I’ve met with resistance from the nasty voices in my head, and from a person I loved. One of my best friends and I came to blows over her vision of who I was, and she said some terrible things. When I stood up for myself and told her that I couldn’t have her in my life if she believed those things, if she would only love me if I lived my life her way, she told me she hated the person who I have become. Of course it hurt me, and knocked me off my feet. It made me wonder if I am indeed doing the right thing or if in trying to accept (and even love) not just my body, but myself, I am somehow settling for less. Because life is supposed to be about growth and change and becoming the best person you can possibly be…or at least, that’s what I’ve always been lead to believe: that somewhere out there, if I just did everything right, I would find a better version of myself.

But then I realized, that’s the same dream I’ve been chasing my whole life. Being thinner, being more organized, being more ambitious at work, more vocal at school, more bubbly at parties…those were the keys to transforming myself into the better me and making sure the loser me never saw the light of day again. The problem though, was that once I let go of being the better me I never bothered to truly tell myself that there never was a loser me.

I’m saying it now though: there is no loser me. I may not be the best anything, but I’m me and I am pretty damn awesome. And while saying it doesn’t change anything, it is a start. Once the truth is out there, it is hard to run away from it.

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Comments»

1. sparklepants - February 5, 2008

Argh. I need to set up a new login, clearly. This one points to my old blog. Anyway! Hi! I saw your link in my WordPress and thought I’d come see what was what over here. 🙂 It’s high time I update/add links to my blog roll, so I make sure I add you straight away. Welcome back to the webonets!

2. zmama75 - February 6, 2008

So glad you’re back! I felt the same thing about starting a blog and it took me forever to get around to it. But I am so glad I did – it’s not some fabulous bit of writing but it really helps release thoughts and feelings for me.

Welcome back!


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