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Acceptable. February 28, 2008

Posted by Jae in Aimless Conversation, Body Image.
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This morning I weighed myself and found that I was three pounds above what I thought my set point would be.  I didn’t freak out.  I didn’t skip breakfast.  I didn’t run myself ragged on the treadmill.  But I did feel just a little disappointed.

And I hate that I did.  I want to be okay with the number on the scale.  I want to be so okay with it that I don’t even bother to check it.  The problem is that I still can’t shake the idea that there is a certain point where, for me, weight gain will cease to be acceptable.  At my highest weight, I wasn’t treating my body well.  I ate mostly junk food, and since I was always about to start another diet, I often binged because I believed every time I did it would truly be the last time.  And I never exercised.  When I decided to give up my dieting and disordered eating, I knew I would probably gain some weight and I accepted that.  Now though…now I’m only 25 pounds away from my highest weight and I’m afraid that I might end up back there, and as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t want to.

I don’t have very many good memories from that time in my life; I was anxious, unsure, and I hated myself.  I know in reality that those things were not caused by my weight, on some level I think I knew that back then, but it was so much easier to blame my fat hips than to face my real problems.  And even though I’ve grown so much since then, somehow, looking at the scale, I feel as though I’m just 25 pounds away from being that same scared, self-loathing, little girl.

Logic tells me that I’m wrong, that those things had nothing to do with my body.  At my heaviest I imagined that a size 14 would be all I would need to be totally content with myself and with my life, but the truth was that I hated myself just as much once I got there.  I never enjoyed that size 14 body; I called it hideous and disgusting on an hourly basis.  If anything, I’m happier with myself and my life now at a size 18, than I’ve ever been in my life.  But somehow it still feels unacceptable to go back.

I know that this is all part of the struggle and that I will eventually get to a place where I feel secure enough to know that all the things I love won’t slip away if I have to go up a jeans size, but until then?  How do you trust in something you can’t even imagine?

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Comments»

1. hotsauce - March 9, 2008

i’m the same weight now as i was when i thought i was a horrible blob. i have positive days and negative days, but overall i feel okay about my body — okay enough that remembering the self-loathing days from before seem really unbelievable, because even on my worst days now i don’t think i look horrid and ugly and unlovable, and on my best days i think i look like hot shit : ) the difference is that i, like you, changed my mindset, but something i’m realizing is that one’s mindset is like happiness — a constant process, not just a point you reach one day where you can lie back and chill for the rest of your life. so don’t focus on and look toward “that place,” because if you do, you might not realize it when you get there.

2. julietjames - March 12, 2008

“At my heaviest I imagined that a size 14 would be all I would need to be totally content with myself and with my life, but the truth was that I hated myself just as much once I got there. I never enjoyed that size 14 body; I called it hideous and disgusting on an hourly basis. If anything, I’m happier with myself and my life now at a size 18, than I’ve ever been in my life.”

I so understand that feeling. It’s something I only just realized about myself. I could’ve dieted down to my “dream” size (which for me would’ve been maybe a 16), but I’d still have hated the body I’d struggled and tortured myself to get. Maybe that’s the reason I’d have hated it. Maybe I’d have resented all I did, all I gave up and sacrificed to get there, only to realize that my body – and my life – were no more perfect than before.

I put the scale aside and won’t get on it now, because I’m terrified that doing so will only rob me of all I’ve gained (and for once I don’t mean pounds) these past five months. It’s not worth seeing that number. I’m not sure if I am heavier than I had been, but either way when I began this process, I was at or very nearly at, my highest ever weight. I do know if I’ve lost weight, it’s not much. I do believe I’d gained some, and now it’s leveling out, but I am basing that on how my clothes fit, and the position I need the seat in behind the steering wheel of my car.

I understand your fears. I don’t want to get heavier, either. All I can say is that I firmly believe that by NOT dieting, I’ll ultimately become a smaller size. Maybe not the one I once longed for, but one I can accept and feel good about nevertheless. Most importantly, it will be one that I am capable of maintaining.

So when I think ahead to the future, I realize that I’m heading towards a happier place. I’m already so much happier, so much freer, but I see an even brighter future up ahead. It won’t be easy, even in the moment… there will always be some struggle, but there is beauty in that struggle.

3. emmysr18 - March 14, 2008

first of all, i’m sorry to leave this as a comment, but you don’t have a contact e-mail address 😦 i just wanted to let you know that i’ve bought the url http://www.frozenoranges.com and i’d really appreciate if you would update my link on your site for indexing purposes. thank you 🙂

second, holla atcha 3 lbs! 🙂 don’t worry about the disappointment right now. the important part is you didn’t let it physically effect your day. you didn’t use behaviors. you went about your day. that’s *huge* one. one step at a time. you’ll become okay with it. it takes time. and you’ll see that you didn’t use behaviors and you’re okay! it gets so much easier.

god, you’re so strong. i can hear it in you. the acceptance will come to you – there’s no doubt about that. you’ve already taken some huge steps. hang in there 🙂 you’re making great progress. recovery doesn’t come in a straight line. don’t get discouraged 🙂

4. emmysr18 - March 14, 2008

wow…i put so many emoticons in there lol


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