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Dating the Other August 14, 2009

Posted by Jae in Dating & Relationships, Fat, Intersectionality.
Tags: , , , , ,

Today, I let my subscription to match.com expire without having even been on one date.

This is not my first time on the online dating carousel, though I’ve never had much luck at it, mostly, because I would chicken out before meeting up with anyone I corresponded with.  I did have a brief semi-relationship with a guy I met on Yahoo! personals once; he was nice, but the two of us just weren’t in the right place so things didn’t work out.

Perhaps another reason for my lack of luck with online dating was that I never contacted anyone who I found interesting; I just waited for men to contact me.  Back in the day, I was too shy and insecure to make the first move, even online, and I told myself that if I didn’t act that just meant that the right guy was going to come to me.  This time around, I decided not to be so passive about things; I promised myself I would contact anyone who I thought sounded interesting.   Sadly, I didn’t run across a whole lot of guys who really tickled my fancy, but what I did find was a whole lot of support for society’s standard notion of beauty.

On match.com, every profile you view is assigned a sort of compatibility percentage; it tells you how many traits you share with that individual’s ideal match (and vice versa).  Ninety-nine percent of the time, if I was a near perfect match with someone the reason that I wasn’t a perfect match was that I had described my body type* as “a few extra pounds.”  Among those who specified a preferred body type, I never came across anyone who was willing to go any higher than that and most didn’t go higher than “average.”

Something else troubling that I noticed: the amount of men who, if they checked a preferred ethnicity, often selected a preference for white women or women of a background considered by our culture to be exotic (i.e.: Asian, Native American, and/or Middle Eastern).  Occasionally, Latina women were included, but the rarest of all stated preferences (at least in my limited research) seemed to be for African-American women**.

The message here is clear:  there is the beautiful, the thin, white or exotic women and there is the other.  This isn’t really news to anyone I’m sure, it certainly wasn’t news to me, but it really drove home the fact that even seemingly slight things, like checking a preferred race or body type box on a dating website, continues to help perpetuate a culture where women are simply objects.  So many people think that hatred is always something huge and obvious, like an unapologetic white supremacist or a person who thinks that disabled people should be euthanized; what they fail to realize is that subtle actions are what allow these larger than life examples to grow.

I can already hear the objections:  ‘It’s just a personal preference,’ ‘I’m just not attracted to (insert culturally unacceptable feature here); it’s not racist or sizeist,’ and that may be true for the individual person.  However, what people don’t often consider is that when an individual has a preference that just happens to fall in line with what is considered culturally attractive, there is some question as to why they hold that particular preference.

Speaking only from my own experience as a white, cisgendered, able-bodied,  moderately fat woman** I can say that I received some notes or winks from men who had said that they were not interested in women my size.  I included a full body picture of myself and indicated that I was heavier than average, so there is little chance they missed this fact.  I can only assume that those men either a) were contacting anyone and everyone to see what would stick or b) they looked at my picture and decided that I really wasn’t too fat for comfort.  But yet, before they saw me, they had it in their minds already that they wouldn’t want to meet anyone who dared tick “a few extra pounds” as their body type, which leads me to believe it isn’t totally about a personal attraction, but that they, like most everyone alive, have taken a cue from the world they live in about what they should find attractive and, more importantly, worthwhile.  Before they read my profile and decided they liked my sense of humor, or thought I had pretty eyes, or seemed engaging, they decided that no one with my body could be any of those things or that if they were those things, that those things were less important than being conventionally attractive.

For example, I have a friend who I fell for when we first met, and eventually he told me that he liked me too.  He told me that he had been feeling pretty lousy about life, but that spending time with me made him forget anything was wrong.  We stayed up into the wee hours of the morning, just talking.  We made everyday trips to run errands into all-day hangouts.  We talked baseball.  We talked literature. We talked art.  But when it came time to do something about it, he  balked.  He didn’t tell me it was because I wasn’t thin or because I was white (I later found out that the only white girls he has ever dated were either foreign or punk-rock type girls [though it is important to note he is not a punk-rock type boy]), but he didn’t have to.  Because I’ve seen the girls he’s dated since; they have all been very thin and all been considered exotic for one reason or another.  And I’ve seen him compromise on things he considered important to date them.  It’s the look of the person that matters most for him, and who that person is clearly comes in second.  In our case, it didn’t matter in the end how much we clicked, because I wasn’t what he was supposed to want.  And on the other hand it also doesn’t matter if these beautiful women he dates are smart or dig the same kind of music he does, he appreciates those qualities but wouldn’t miss them if they were absent, because they are  beautiful.

Those are the kinds of choices we make about furniture or clothes.  We’ll wear a pair of pinchy high heels instead of our comfiest sneakers on a job interview, and while we’re at it, we’ll buy a business suit that we wouldn’t wear otherwise because we want to look professional so we can land the job.   But making those kinds of choices about who to fall in love with or hell, who to even just spend a couple of fun evenings with?  That equates people with an itchy sofa you bought because it matched the rest of the living room furniture.  And that is just fucking problematic.

*I could write a whole ‘nother post on how one is supposed to chose one’s body type on such a site, and how men are given a lot more leeway than women.  And maybe I will!

**There is an interesting discussion on Racialicious that talks about this from a race and ethnicity perspective, but the post is nearly a year old.  If anyone knows of any others (my googling skills have failed me here), feel free to leave a link in the comments.



1. lucywatchthesky - August 14, 2009

I noticed that on Match.com too, about a lot of men saying they would only date white or Asian women, or every race except African-American women. And even though I’m white, cisgendered, overweight-but-not-immediately-noticeably-so, that just boiled my blood and immediately disqualified those guys for me, even if everything else about them suggested we’d get along beautifully. I just feel that it suggests further levels of intolerance- even if I fit some version of what they physically wanted to date, inevitably they would probably find serious fault with something else that makes me essentially me, like having strong opinions, or certain spiritual beliefs. Attraction is subjective, and you like who you like, but attraction is also fluid, and by limiting yourself to one or two physical types, you’re underestimating everyone else who could be a good match for you, and yourself, by not letting yourself be open-minded.

Jae - August 14, 2009

I felt the same way! In the first place, I have friends of all backgrounds and races so I feel like anyone who thought to exclude a particular group from people they would date is going to have some problems with someone down the road, even if it is just garden variety ignorance. My best friend and her boyfriend are in an interracial relationship right now, so I have heard enough fool comments from other friends to have a pretty low tolerance at this point.

Attraction is subjective, and you like who you like, but attraction is also fluid, and by limiting yourself to one or two physical types, you’re underestimating everyone else who could be a good match for you, and yourself, by not letting yourself be open-minded.

And that was everything I wanted to say in my post, only in a lot less words!

2. arynda - August 15, 2009

This is precisely the reason I loathe dating sites. I am black and I think men click on my picture these days because I am the exception rather than the rule. These are the very same men who have checked every box except black. I am a gorgeous woman and my lack of thinness does not mitigate that in any way. They open my profile and send me messages just like anyone else because I am pretty enough for them to step outside the little box they’ve created for themselves. I am in no way honored by this and I tell them so.

Jae - August 15, 2009

Thank you for sharing your story. I am disgusted to see how widespread this phenomenon is. I don’t know how these guys write you without even the slightest bit of shame…but I guess they are so blind to their privilege that they never even considered how it could be insulting.

3. nycivan - August 15, 2009

It goes both ways ladies. I do, however, have to concede that most fat guys that are not at the largest end of the spectrum like I am have it a lot easier dating than a women who is, say only 10 or 15 pounds over the norm.

I am 380 and 5’8. But that is not all that I am. I have a lot going for me and I am discovering more and more each day. I do realize that in most dating/flirting situations, it is me and not my appearance (although i’ll bathe, shave and wear a clean shirt) that a women is going to be attracted to. I do think from the neck up I am passable.

I also have to accept the reality that the cultural hatred and fear of fat will eliminate a lot of opportunities I would otherwise have to show a gal how great I am because I am eliminated from her dating pool before I get a chance to say a single word to her. This reminds me of family gatherings before my brother found his amazing wife when my other siblings would talk about which of their friends they were going to set him up with while ignoring the fact that I was sitting at the same table and was equally single. The implication being that I was not worthy of a set up with their friends. (wow that was painful to remember)

Anyway, today is not about pain. Today, with the help of the FA community is about hope.

Cheers to All,


4. plumpdumpling - August 30, 2009

It interests me that the site would have you define your body type in the first place. Even as a woman who has “a few extra pounds” herself, I doubt that I’d specifically go out looking for an overweight guy. And yet, if the profile was promising enough, I’m sure I wouldn’t care about the weight and would therefore miss out on some great guys by excluding the overweight ones in my searching. I hope there’s a way to not choose your body type.

I don’t even include full-body shots of myself on the one dating site I’m on, figuring that it’s much harder to judge me once you’re in front of me and I’m charming your pants off.

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