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Version 2.0 October 24, 2007

Posted by Jae in Aimless Conversation, Me, myself, and I.
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Every Sunday, one of my best friends comes over for our weekly date with the dark and dangerous <i>Dexter</i>*. It’s only been going on for a couple of weeks now, but I really look forward to it, not just because I’m addicted to this show, but because it feels like our time. We often are lost to each other, even though we are such good friends, because of the demands on our time, but now we have this one night a week where we can sit together and talk and squee over Michael C. Hall.

This week as I listened to her talk about her life and how lucky she is to have such caring friends, I realized something: amongst all my close friends, I am the caretaker. When something goes horribly, terribly, wrong I strap on my cape (metaphorically of course…I don’t actually own a cape…*looks around nervously*) and try to make things right. I never made the decision to do this; it just seems to come naturally to me. Whenever one of my friends is breaking up with their significant other or having trouble at work, I am the one they come to looking for answers or an understanding ear. And I love being there for them. Their problems become my problems, and there are no words for the joy it brings me to see them work out what troubles them.

Unfortunately, for all these bright sides though, there is a dark side and that is that sometimes it can be easy to forget that my own soul needs the occasional bit of maintenance. Sometimes this makes me angry at my friends; yesterday though, it made me a little angry at myself. Because, though I am willing to walk on broken glass to help a friend, I often tell myself that I do not require that kind of effort–not from my friends and certainly not from myself. But I do. I might hate that I do (because I have a problem needing anyone or anything), but that doesn’t change the fact that I have certain needs. I need love. I need respect. I need to be shown compassion and patience. And I can’t expect that everything in my life will go smoothly whether or not I have them.

When I decided that perhaps it was time to jump off the crazy-diet train and start working on loving and accepting myself I never really bothered to go through with the daily business of change, but I think perhaps that it’s time I start.

*If you read the books or watch the show, you know it’s all about the alliteration.